I have felt prompted that I need to journal about experiences around finding my purpose here on earth... I want to remember as much of the process as I can. I feel so full of light and fire as I have found my reason for being on this planet at this time!!! It's hard to contain the power, excitement and boldness that I feel, yet at other times it feels a bit scary, impossible & to be quite honest a little crazy. I know that if I am willing to put my trust in a loving (beyond comprehension) Heavenly Father and the Lord, Jesus Christ, ALL things are possible! I know they can help me on this journey of helping others (especially returned missionaries) to find their purpose as well. I know that as we elevate our minds, and go after our dreams we will be an unstoppable force for good in this world and we can help in the battle of evil, allowing righteousness to prevail!
As I look backwards to see how this journey all began, it goes way back, all the way to my mission experience which is so interesting to me! I will try to fill in those details along the way but more recently it goes back to me starting a health insurance business approximately 3 years ago. That also felt very scary, intimidating, & somewhat impossible. I knew how to sell health insurance but I didn't really know how to run a business myself... I felt very strongly that it is what Heavenly Father would have me do at the time for my family though so I went for it and figured if it failed, we would figure out another course of action! As a part of starting a business, I was looking for opportunities to network and get my name out there. I joined a group of women monthly for lunches through a group called EWomen Network. To be honest, I really didn't like going to the monthly lunches and wanted to quit going after my first few months. I decided though that I had committed to give it a try for at least a year. I went begrudingly most months and would sit in the car until the last possible moment or often times would end up being late.
Anywho, at one of these eWomen Network luncheon's I met a woman named Felicia Searcy. She gave a small 20 minute presentation and then told us all that she was staying after the luncheon and if we decided to stay she would go deeper into the information she had presented that day. It was the middle of my open enrollment/"busy season" for health insurance and my mind was telling me there was NO WAY I could stay that day. I had way too much to do and it was nearly impossible to stay. Something stronger than myself gave me the courage to stay that day and listen further to what she had to offer.
She took a couple of hours and walked us through a process of asking ourselves the question "what would you love?" I never knew that question contained so much power! I felt myself light up as I described to another person there the life that I would love! I came home from that event and told Mike all about it and how I wanted to work with Felicia further to have her help me grow the insurance business and to help me lose some weight. We signed up, and I started attending her calls, trying to listen to information she provided and got incredibly overwhelmed! I felt like I didn't understand the things they were discussing on the calls, couldn't seem to find the time to listen to her basics information and therefore kinda gave up on the whole thing.
At this point, I found myself struggling with having a desire to do much of anything. I just felt lost and didn't have a whole lot of desire to do much each day. I was watching way too much Netflix, eating way too much junk food, and feeling really crummy about how impossible it felt to lose weight. I had all the tools I needed to lose weight, and knew exactly what I was supposed to be doing (meal planning, food prepping, etc) but it felt impossible and I always found myself giving into the urges of eating things I shouldn't. I started to wonder if I needed to meet with a physician to discuss possible depression. Every once in a while I would have a day here or there that would bring happiness and I would think I was going to get over the hump, but then I would spiral downward again. I figured it was maybe just the weather (it felt like a long winter here in Utah this year with lots of snow) and hoped that once the sun started shining and we could get outside more it would get better.
I had even asked Mike for a priesthood blessing looking for guidance around weight loss and finding the drive that would help me. I had been promised in that blessing that the Lord knew my desires for my health and that I would find a way to get where I wanted to be this year. It had been a few months since I had received that blessing and nothing I was trying seemed to be working. =(. I was frustrated once again and wondered how I would possibly attain my goals. I had another priesthood blessing after Mike was sustained to be the bishop of our ward and I was reminded of the promised blessings from before and assured that they would come to pass.
I had also joined a BNI chapter (another networking group) and felt like I was having a hard time connecting with members of the group. I found myself feeling overwhelmed with life as I was trying to balance being a mom, the bishop's wife (yep, Mike got put in as the bishop in our ward), running a business as well as trying to contribute to others lives through meaningful service/ministering efforts. Oh yes, I also wanted to connect with God and feel his love more in my life. I wanted to read the scriptures and have them come alive to me, but very rarely found myself on my knees or in the scriptures. I'm not sure why, but it seemed I had some sort of grudge with Heavenly Father I was struggling to overcome. I guess life just felt difficult and I didn't know how to best handle things and therefore I was a little put off by Heavenly Father. People kept talking about all the blessings our family would receive from Mike serving as the bishop... I knew our family is blessed beyond measure but I didn't feel like we were receiving any extra special blessings. If only I had known I was SOOO wrong.
A few weeks after Mike was sustained as the bishop of our ward, his brother Jim was in a horrific accident and we got news he was being life-lighted to Ogden Regional Hospital in Ogden. Joyce (our wonderful neighbor) stayed the night at our house so that we could go up to Ogden. I knew we were lucky that Jim was still alive but it brought chaos to our lives as we tried to juggle one more thing! I knew we were blessed to have time with him and his family, and I knew he was lucky to be alive but it felt like any chance I had at eating healthy was out the window.
I had also volunteered to be a facilitator for a personal finance class that the church offers and was having to attend that each Sunday evening. I've loved the lessons taught in the class and feel it has really helped me both spiritually and temporally but it was one more thing on my plate. It was interesting though that coming home from the class one night, Mike and I discussed and decided to double our fast offering that we give each month. It was a pretty big stretch of my faith as I wondered how we were going to do it exactly but we chose to move forward in faith and go for it!
So... to say the least I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed, tired, and hopeless. When I signed up for Felicia's coaching program she had given me two tickets to her bi-annual event. Mike and I had decided to go so we had arranged for Mandy to watch Oaklee. A few days before we were supposed to be heading out Oaklee spiked a fever. I checked in with Mandy to make sure she was ok with taking her even though she had a fever... we figured the fever would break and she'd be fine. We drove Oaklee to Logan and left her overnight Wednesday night. Well, Thursday morning (the day we were supposed to be leaving for California) we found out Oaklee's fever had spiked to 102 and realized that Mandy was not up for keeping Oaklee for the weekend. I felt discouraged and really didn't know what to do. I did not want to skip out on California but I also knew we couldn't leave Oaklee with Mandy. We decided to divide and conquer so Mike was wonderful and took Oaklee for the weekend (ends up she had the flu) and I jumped in the car and started the 10 hour journey to CA.
Mike and I had been looking forward to some time just the two of us but I guess the Lord knew I needed a weekend on my own for some meditation. I ended up listening to "Saints" a new book put out by the church about the history of the early pioneers. It was interesting listening to their stories of faith and determination, especially the prophet Joseph Smith. I arrived in California and spent my evening binge watching shows on Hulu. I was in a pretty bad mood if I'm honest. I was bummed that it hadn't worked out for Mike to come, and I wasn't even sure I wanted to be going to this conference...
Friday morning, I got up and went even though I didn't really want to... I tried to tell myself to be open to the experience and opportunity but just was having a hard time getting into it. I did participate in the activities and did journal a lot and was trying to participate but I was still not in a super great place overall. I didn't have desires to get to know the other people there at the conference and just wanted the weekend to be over. The second day got a little better as I was able to make some connections and also as I tried harder to open up to my Heavenly Father and the spirit. A big take away for me from this weekend was the need for me to connect deeper with Heavenly Father and to let go of some of my resentment that I was feeling toward him. These are actually the specific intentions I wrote down on the first day as Felicia asked us to journal what we wanted to get out of the weekend...
1 - Find Peace with God/Universe
2 - Know that God wants greater for me
3 - What is the plan? What should I be doing?
4 - Let go of frustration/anger I'm currently feeling.
The amazing thing is that I look back now and see how ALL of those intentions came to be through the journey of the weekend... honestly they didn't come to full fruition until after I had left the conference but I can see how they all came to be.
I enjoyed my time at the conference and realized there were some very powerful tools to cause myself to take more action in my life. It was interesting though because I spent most of my weekend dreaming about running a successful insurance company and building out a large insurance company. I think I was trying to make my current life into my dream rather than allowing my dream to come present itself and then adjusting my current life to fit my dream...
I finished the conference, said goodbye to Felicia and was convinced that when she called to have the conversation about working with each other in the future my answer would be NO! There was NO WAY I was going to continue to pay her the kind of money I was paying her and continue to not do anything with her program. I had enjoyed the conference but had every intent to come home and keep living the life we've been living. I then jumped in the car and had a 6 hour drive ahead of me...
That 6 hour drive was life changing to say the least! I decided to try to listen to some of general conference since I had missed it due to Felicia's event. I don't really remember that any specific thing from those talks spoke directly to me but as I sat in the car and really thought about my weekend and the things I had learned at Felicia's event, it was if the windows of heaven literally opened and started speaking to my soul. I realized that selling health insurance is definitely not my dream and not my purpose for being here on this earth. I felt as though the Lord was speaking directly to me and helped me realize that these tools I had just learned were obviously life changing and I realized that I want to and that Heavenly Father wants me to help his returned missionaries access the power of these tools in their lives! I have NO IDEA how this is all going to come to be for sure, but I definitely know that it's my purpose and I'm SO excited to begin this journey of helping others change their lives and really tune in to the spirit to find their purpose here on the earth!
I stopped at my parents house in St. George to sleep before heading the rest of the way home and found myself waking up super early unable to sleep because my soul was so excited about the opportunity to help others find their purpose as well as really understand who they are and how much Heavenly Father has in store for them!
This is what I wrote down as I used the tools I had learned over the weekend to speak my vision of what I would like my vocation to be...
"I LOVE my WORK!!! I am truly amazed each and every day as I wake up and know my husband and I together are making a difference. I LOVE working side by side with my husband to change lives among the young single adults (youth) in our church community. We are helping them to deepen their connection with God and their Savior Jesus Christ, and therefore come to an understanding of who they are. We are helping them to awaken their divine potential and remember their birth right. I LOVE seeing the light of Christ grow brighter through each individual we are able to touch. I am AMAZED when I see the light bulb turn on, the connection deepen and LOVE being the means through which these young people are able to connect deeper with their Heavenly Father who loves them, knows them personally and wants greater for them than they could ever imagine! I am profoundly grateful that the Lord is allowing me to be a tool in awakening the souls of the youth, to recognize WHO they really are, and to move forward with FAITH & TRUST in God’s plan for them."
I'm so excited to create this life for our family!!! It's been AMAZING to me how many other things have changed for me since finding this purpose... Food doesn't seem to be an obstacle anymore. I don't care if I have a meal plan or not because I know the kinds of foods I should be eating and therefore we have purchased those foods, we have them available and we decide each morning what to pull out of the freezer for the day.
I don't really have desires to watch Netflix & Hulu anymore. I just know that choosing to take action toward this purpose I have found is SO much better than all of these other things I was spending my time doing... I want to be a better mom and wife! I feel like I am spending more quality time with Mike and Oaklee. I don't find myself scrolling through facebook as often. I do still check things out every once in a while but it's not something I find myself wishing I were doing less of.
It was interesting to me... I had taken my patriarchal blessing with me to Felicia's conference and had even read through it after the first day hoping it would help me find my purpose. My initial reaction after reading through it was the same as it usually is when I read it. I was grateful for it and I knew it held beautiful promises and blessings but it didn't seem like any of them were for the right here, right now time in my life. I just left it alone after that but as I sat through Felicia's conference and on my drive home, I realized that as I have found this new purpose and new drive, my patriarchal blessing lit up like it has never lit up before! It's almost as if every single line applies. I know there are still some things that I don't understand about my blessing but I'm excited about their possibilities and excited to see how they will be fulfilled.
As I look backward over my life, I truly can see how each and every step of my journey has led me to this point! I can see why I needed to serve a mission (so I would be able to relate to the returned missionaries), I can see why I needed the experience of starting my own company even though it wasn't the dream company I'm looking forward to creating, it was an opportunity to show myself I can do hard things and be successful! I can see so clearly why things in my past have happened the way they did and I am ever grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who is willing to orchestrate a life more beautiful that what I could have done on my own.
The last couple of weeks have been an INCREDIBLE journey of allowing personal revelation into my life. I'm so grateful to have found my purpose and to be on this journey of decisive action to propel these dreams forward! I know that because this is God's plan for me, it is for sure possible! I have him and the Savior Jesus Christ on my team and look forward to being an instrument in which he can speak to my brothers and sisters. I know the time is NOW! We need to prepare this world for the Savior's second coming and one of the ways we can do that is to help our brothers and sisters to elevate their lives through empowering processes.
I'm so excited to continue this journey of creating vision for my life with my Heavenly Father! I know that I will continually be in this process of creating new visions and going deeper and deeper into this journey which is so exciting because of the opportunities it has to grow me into something so much bigger!
